If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra