Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
checking out some reviews of my local library
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.