[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn