We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
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Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.