Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Respect
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.