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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Had to try this trend 😊
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.