[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
no their not
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle