I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select