I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’