When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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