[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
multitasking lunch
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to