“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Check out the legs on this baby
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Your honor these allegations are
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.