I’m not average. I’m mean.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day