Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
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Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.