[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
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Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass