Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Every. Damn. Time.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet