If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win