Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?