Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
plant them where lol
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.