How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl