It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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If youâre on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( â˘_â˘)
( â˘_â˘)>ââ -â
(ââ _â )
Just take a day off
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Nobody tell my Fitbit that todayâs steps are coming from inside the casino.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Maths meets science
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: Iâm going to give you a shot to help me relax
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction đ
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
English Language: âI before E, except after Câ.
Keith: Thatâs not true.
English Language: Donât make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasnât had their caffeine lol
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishyâŚ
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Mariah Carey beginning with âI donât want a lot for Christmasâ and then revealing she wants âyouâ is such a good burn
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….