Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
They’re called werewolves.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Childbirth is so beautiful
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.