Have a lovely day 😊
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[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job