Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”