I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.