Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.