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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.