news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
yeet
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion