me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate