It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You Might Also Like
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
me and who
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh