Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
That was easy.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?