Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
your honor my client chooses dare
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
those birds must be on payroll
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.