I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You Might Also Like
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Yup!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Aaaa…CHOO!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.