Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
This week’s mood.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Nice try, NASA
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur