BETRAYAL
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I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.