Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!