That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
is nasa ok
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming