You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not