My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Look at this
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
From my Mom
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*