Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
You Might Also Like
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I hate everything
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”