I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
is it earth
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.