If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie