I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.