if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word