Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me buying fruit and veg
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.