Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
A family that plays together cheats.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.