My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.