nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
lmfao come on
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.