Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Me: Same
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”