I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.